On Quipping

Auditioned an actor today. After his first read through...

Director: I like what you're doing, but I don't quite believe you.

Actor: I've heard that before, mostly from ex girlfriends.

TIE me kangaroo down

T wo years ago I was doing Theatre in Education for a poetry based company in Sydney. Theatre in Education is the practice of hiring young, just out of college actors, and sending them out to the wilds of local (and not so local) high schools to deal with two hundred or so screaming children, while the teachers sit behind the gymnasium and share a furtive cigarette.

Drama teachers get to smoke in front of the kids, but only at after show parties.

If an actor becomes famous enough that doing Theatre in Education isn't an option - which hasn't yet happened to me - they generally put their hand into roleplaying. Not rolling dice and pretending to slay dragons, but Medical roleplaying. This involves telling a Doctor who's moved from Africa (where they don't get paid very well) to a western country (where they still don't but at least everyone thinks they do). It also involves a lot of African doctors diagnosing a lot of actors pretending to be workmen who have fallen off ladders with Malaria.

This particular afternoon I was performing at a prestigious boys school on Sydney's North Shore, with a reputation for homoerotic practices amongst the students. This was based off an actual event, years ago, and probably doesn't reflect on the current student body. However, they persist in wearing kilts, so people are naturally given to draw the wrong conclusions.

Some time before this, my mother had been in an advertisement for Balance, Water for Women, and on top of her fee she received eight crates of water bottles. While Water for Women is absolute bullshit (there were natural flower essences and herbs in it, which were tasteless but helped with your feeling of femininity or something or other), they did come in very convenient skinny one litre bottles. So I of course had one on me while I was performing that day.

At the end of the show, we three actors grab seats and ask the students if they have any questions. I of course was asked: "What are you drinking?"

"I'm drinking," said I, "Balance, Water for Women." There is a moments pause while the children assimilate this information. The child from hell raises his hand once again.

"Are you gay?" Everyone snickers.

I take a draught of the water in question. Everyone kind of laughs again.

"I'm not as a matter of fact," say I, quite calmly, "But even if I were, it wouldn't be appropriate for us to go out. Sorry."

The child from hell goggles at me. All the other kids laugh at him, sensing weakness, and wanting a victim who's unable to fight back. The teacher finishes his cigarette, and me and my fellow actors get paid.

Take that, childhood.

What They Say Behind Your Back

I'm currently ushering for a West End show which doesn't deserve to be on the West End. So, whenever a group of us guys are on foyer duty (which, when it's only guys, we've dubbed the "boyer" - to rhyme with oi vey) we play games.

You'd assume it would be poker, or canasta, or something which actually requires skill. Unfortunately, if our manager catches us slacking off, he'd invent some work for us to do. So instead of wasting our time productively, we came up with the Penis game.

It's not the usual Penis game (saying it louder until someone has to shout it up), or even the guessing Penis game (Okay, so, try and find a place here that I haven't put my penis in. It's not easy) - rather, tis a movie based penis game.

You state the name of a movie, and at the end, say penis.

Current winners are (in no particular order):

Dr. No Penis

What Women Want: Penis

Romancing the Stone Penis

Love? Actually Penis

Revenge of the Nerd's Penis

Fast and the Furious Penis

The Spirits Within Penis

A Lifeless Ordinary Penis.

After we were in fits of giggles for five minutes from the last contender, my mate turned to me. "We all have degrees."

Peter Pan Probably

At the end of 2007 I was playing the part of a random pirate in Peter Pan at a local theatre society. We performed twice daily in a school hall, in front of an audience of around two hundred kids and adults, on a stage raised only two steps from the floor.

One afternoon, as Captain Hook (a rather tall fellow by the name of Will) was declaiming loudly and passionately how he was going to murder Peter Pan by forcing him to eat a cake, a girl of around four or five years old walked out of the audience right up to him, and offered him a miniature snickers bar. Will, focused out towards the back of the audience, completely failed to notice the young lady who was less than a third of his height.

"Arr captain!" I said to him as he paused, "There be a wee child offering ye a sweetie. 'Twould be rude not tae accept it!" (All pirates, you see, are scottish.)

Will looked at me, and then glanced down at the innocent model of childhood in front of him, hand still outstretched. "Why thank you!" he said, and took the sweet. The girl trundled back into the crowd.

Having successfully negotiated the audience interaction, he now turned his attention to the candy. It was wrapped in the style of a bon bon which presented some difficulty. He had an artificial hook on one hand, and had no way of opening the lolly. His brow creased in obvious distress as he tried to think his way out of the situation, as all the pirates on stage tried to hide their laughter.

"Would ye like me to open that for ye captain?" I asked, wide eyed and innocent.

"Thank you!" He said and passed it to me. There was an almighty hush as I took the offending candy and unwrapped it, then popped it into my mouth. I sucked for a couple of moments, with a look of fierce concentration, then spat it out and proffered it to him.

"Arr captain, it definitely not be poisoned," I cheerfully announced.

"You're too kind," said he through clenched teeth. And, glaring all the while, plucked sweet from my hand, placed it in his mouth, and swallowed it in one gulp. He turned back to the audience, the adult contingent of which were falling over themselves with laughter at this point, and said "... what was I up to?"

"Quick!" I said, "Fetch the captains script!"